So we all know lesbians don’t do so damn well in the club or in life for that matter. And yall know what I’m talking about. That’s why we only have three clubs (which suck) where we constantly see the same girls at. We are so bad at getting some, and we do do get some we’re so lazy and scared that we got the shit on lock that we can’t smell that it’s stankotonia. We don’t let go even if they cheat on us, treat us like dirt and steal our money. We just tell ourselves its love and are so screwed because we U-hauled and now can’t find a affordable apartment. So here some ground rules bitches for how to get yourself a lady at the club.

Step one

Get A JOB !!! Yes contrary to lesbian belief of pot, liberal arts and granola… job begets you money, money buys style, and style attracts girls. Dats right, nobody likes a broke ass fucker. Get a good job, don’t be working at Mcdonalds, shit… And if you too young to get a job, go to school cus all the fine ladies are in school anyways, and they be the ones who gonna make bank. Don’t even try to find a chick without a damn job. Don’t embarass us. Thank You.

Step Two

Now that you got a job and some cash. Use that. Don’t buy any granola bars, don’t buy free range fucking eggs, and don‘t buy rainbow accesories. Thems is marketing ploys and tacky. Instead invest in a nice wardrobe. Now AGs, Bois and the non femme types…. don’t just buy any men’s clothes, ya gotta buy the shit the fucking fit idiot. I’ll teach you how to dress later ya damn unfashionables in another article. But for now, spend some money. H&M mens section is your friend. Small sizes and cut well for the feminine body. Anywhere that gay men shop should be good for you. Urban Outfitters, Soho, “Accesorize, but do not over accessories. One watch and tie, yes. Watch, tie, 3 arm cuffs, hat, belt, necklace, 3 rings, 5 earrings, that my friend is too much. Less is more, that goes with french fries and accessories. Now get a one or two good colognes. Fuck the brand, just make sure they smell good. And mix, cus you don’t wannbe smelling like anyone’s ex. Bitches dance and get close and smell you. I know yall ate pizza before the club so mask that shit, carry a small spritz with ya.

Step Three

Ok, stop by the fucking ATM, take out mad dough, cash!!! It aint sexy to pay by card, carry a wad. And do your damn hair. I don’t want no nappy ass roots coming out, no jew fros, no unwashed shit. Do it up, get eyebrows nails and hair did. Yes you a boi, but bois gotta take care of themself too fool. And no bitch want crusty ass feet.

Step 3

Figure out what kinda bitch you want. Ugly one, hot one, rich one. Different clubs cater to different scenes. Lower your standards, believe you aint that much of a catch yourself and people always fall in love with people who are their exact type because there is so much to learn, you don’t wanna date yourself. Go to the club and get nice, not drunk, but nice. get a few branded liquor drinks. House will kill you before you even score a chicks number, Plus it looks sexier. Avoid beer, they give you burps and that shit smells when you spill it on yourself. Tip generously, I always tip 2 bucks for a drink, 1 for a soda, tip more if you’re balling, but never be stingy. You are going to end up always going to the same spots so make friends and open up your wallet.

3 main spots to find a lady friend, cozy up at the bar and find a friend. Shake it up on the Dance floor. If your a smoker, hand out cigs and lighters with rico suaveness. Bathroom line is good for a chat too. Keep your friends close but not too close, single girls are watching. Avoid the cock block scenario. Don’t act a fool either fat ugly girls are usually friends with the hot chick so don’t laugh at them.

Keep smiling, don’t look like a lonely desperate lesbian, look like your having a good time even tho you aint. Bitches like fun girls, not suicidal whack jobs…. even if you are pretend you aint. Can’t dance? learn. Move your hips, and just start griding. If she’s feeling you, well she’ll be feeling you !!! HAHA Get the bitches number before you or her get bored. Then move on and keep macking. Unless you about to leave the club or want some ass the same night, then keep macking on the same chick. Lesbian spots are small, and multiple macking sessions don’t usually work out. Cus them bitches are watching you.

Step Four

Got some numbers? USE it. CALL, don’t text. Don’t be a chicken. Don’t over think the situation. Who fucking cares if they might have a chick, might be ugly, might be stupid, might not call back. If bitch don’t call back, then theres 10 other bitches waiting. Don’t call the same night, they wanna sleep, they tired. Call the next day. Lesbians are insecure, they get sad if you don’t call the next day. So look desperate, what u scared of looking desperate for, you know you are, so don’t front. Aint nobody like a fronter. Call em once… and let it go, cus if they aint hit you back up, don’t be a stalker.