TEN THINGS THAT CAN GO WRONG WHEN YOU GRADUATE FROM STUYVESANT HIGH SCHOOL

*disclaimer* I actually went to Stuy lol , and this is why I can poke fun at it, before you go and tell me I’m stupid and thats why I didn’t goto Stuy. lol

The best public high school in New York City ( Stuyvesant High School) breeds a odd type of person. They’re nerds but they either hide it well or actually think that the rest of the world accepts them. Few have succeeded in surviving the ordeal without becoming a total loser. Those prodigies usually never refer to the school again, because they don’t need to. Sad to say, I am one of those losers where high school was probably the peak of their career and it all went down from there. Oh wells at least I’m getting some. chea ! All hail sex, that is the best way for losers to get back at nerds.

1. As a male or ugly female, you will most likely end up a virgin until after college. Sorry guys, you know your screwed, not literally. Stuy does not teach you how to be sexy, and face it unless you get someone really really wasted, which you probably won’t cus you’ll be studying, your not going to get laid. You might have to even borderline rape them. Good luck in Med School, or Law School, or Grad School, cus most people would have gotten laid by then, and you won’t be able to figure out how to stick a dick in shit. No you cannot take the CoSine of sex to give a girl an orgasm.

2. You will most likely refer to Stuy over and over, trying to insert into random conversations about how you went there. How you probably commuted 3 hours to get there, and how the place was 10 floors and how you More importantly refer to Stuyvesant as Stuy. Umm hellooooo, nobody calls Stuy, Stuy unless they went there. Then you get excited that out of towners actually know what school your talking about. They probably know about it because another douche bag at their job probably went there and cannot stop talking about it.

3. You will spend the rest of your life trying to find people who did go to Stuy. If you find someone who went to high school in NYC, your next question will be where did you go ??? Hoping that they went to stuy and you two can reminisce about 80 year old teachers and how great your experience was. You will ask if people went to college with other Stuy people and how they know these Stuy people and get yourself a little wet when they happen to throw out a Random asian name like David Lee, and think you knew him.

4. Your career peak would probably end at Stuy. Yes, you took 6 AP’s and scored a million on your SAT’s. Great, good for you, Hey man it only goes down from there. You had a full head of hair, no body fat, and played Magic the Gathering with your friends.

5. Or on the flipside, you could really skyrocket your career, become an investment banker. Act like a douchebag to anyone who isn’t in Finance or Banking. Ditch all your friends that don’t make 6 figures. Cheat on your girlfriends. Not get married til your 40. Rent an apartment in the city for a couple grand. Then when the market tanks, realize you’ve gone bald for nothing. Career of choice : already stated.

6. Or you can goto grad school for about a million years. Lucky ones already lock down another nerd to marry. Unlucky one’s will have to marry their secretary or get setup with another 30 year old loser. When you finally pay back your loans and make millions… Your living niiice. But then your not entertaining at all because the best years of your life you’ve spent as a bookmark. ( Professor, non profit lawyer, Psychiatrist)

7. You turn completely anti establishment, become a hippie then take all of your college years trying to be weird, goth, granola, lesbian, punk, hip hop… etc etc. End up on drugs and killing half your brain cells. Then your stuck with a permanent fluorescent patch of hair. Career of choice : Whole Foods clerk, Trash and Vaudeville clerk, Bum.

8. Your asian parents burn you out, and piss the shit outta you so you go and become Black. Yes fucker, African American. You vote Obama, listen to Three Six Mafia, eat chicken and waffles, and have cute little mixed babies living in Section 8. Career of choice : Government job, post office, Retail.

9. Oh wait, you listening to your asian parents now you make an upper middle class living, have cute little asian babies, a cute little asian wife ( who runs your life ) , and live in the suburban part of queens. But then you realized you turned into your parents, and you’re living their life for them. Career of choice : Accountant, Doctor, Lawyer, Computer guy.

10. You stay a nerd forever. Nope, can’t reinvent yourself in College, because everyone knows you from Stuy. Nope, everyone knows your a loser, a virgin and not funny. You lose. Looooser.

 

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