In New York roomates are inevitable, they are also known as people who eat your peanut butter. Most people have had one, or have needed one, or have to have killed one. College is a way of helping you cope with having roomates. Sadly most people don’t know how to be a good one because they’re too selfish or think they can get away with things. Lesbians move in together with the quickness just so they don’t need to have roomates. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had great roomates before. Thank god for separate entrances, I rarely had to ever see her. She did her thing, and I did mine. I paid the rent on time, and so did she. But I had to leave cus living in the hood just wasn’t my steez. But here’s a quick rundown of types of roomates you may encounter in the city.
– Friend , Buddy , BFF – If you’re lucky, you got this one. They buy you food, introduce you to beautiful people, and like the same movies you do. Buddy/BFF is clean but not to the point of making you feel bad that you aren’t. When a love interest comes to call, Buddy/BFF gives you your space and lets you work your mojo.When their parents come to town and take them to dinner, they insist on bringing you along. The Buddy usually also brings with them a spectacular entertainment system, a DVD library, a high performance gaming console, and a ridiculous amount of video games that he freely shares with all. The BFF brings with her an insanely stocked wardrobe with dozens of shoes and accessories that she insists you use.
– Drama Queen – There is always something going wrong in her life. A breakup with the girlfriend is like a mudslide, a fight is like a raging fire. You can hear her life story when she’s on the phone 2 rooms away. It goes something like… woe is me, woe is me. Huffs and Puffs to you with all her problems. You’re forced to sit there, while your trying to watch some funny ass movie to semi listen to her ranting. STFU get over it.
– The Hater – Probably, just a little worse off than you life, career and relationship wise. You are their hero, yet they hate you. They hate you because they have everything you have but better. Will put you down in a sly sort of way. Like you’ll bring up something awesome, but she’ll probably make it seem like less of an accomplishment, or dismiss it. If you’re in a relationship, she’ll try and make you single. If you’re single, she’ll probably cock block. You guys are very similar, but in the end, you’ll want to kill her.
– The Klepto – Your coffee has been disappearing faster than your free time. Shirts you just washed are found misplaced and with the unmistakable scent of body odor. Your food (peanut butter, chicken, jam, cranberry juice, mayo, ketchup, veggie burgers) vanishes from the pantry. Scratches appear inexplicably on your DVDs. You could have sworn you had $20 in your lucky jar; now there is only $13 and some odd coins. Caution: you’re rooming with the Klepto. The Klepto is congenial to your face, but, when they think you’re not looking, they are eyeballing your stuff with envy. You have a strong feeling that they are trying to get away with something. At their most frightening, Kleptos envy you and your stuff so much that they may actually try to steal your identity. Other, more benign tendencies include stealing your significant other, stealing your towel, and stealing your ideas. In some instances, Kleptos have been known to buy gifts for their victims out of guilt for pillaging their stuff.
_ the Slob – gross gross gross, piles of dishes in their room and the sink, under their bed, and what? half eaten pizza and sammiches? Who can live in such filth? They are generous but what they give don’t make up for attracting mice, bugs and pepperoni slices coming out their door. Clothing all around, clothing that isn’t even theirs.
– Depressive Goth Nerd Loser – so consumed with their self, that they just bury themselves in pc games, books and bad art. Pale and deathly looking from not going out. Malnourished from forgetting to eat because they are too busy playing solitaire. Great because they don’t bother you, and you can just laugh at them on Friday night when you’re going to go drinking and you hear a bad 90’s movie coming from beyond their door.
– Ghetto Never Pays Rent – the one who you know has money, but can’t manage it. never pays bills on time, never gets rent in on time. This is probably the worst with Klepto not far behind. Lets just say there’s not much more to say about this one, but get the fuck out.
– the Know it All – is an expert in everything and not afraid to tell you. Basically tries to control your whole life. Everything you do is wrong, but everything they do is right. Extremely annoying, unless you basically don’t have your life together, in which case can be extremely helpful. But nobody knows everything.
– the Fugly Sex Aholic Slut Whore – Usually is ugly as fuck and everyone can see it, even her in the mirror. But due to some sort of denile, gets mad play? And your subject to loud smacking, groaning, moaning, screaming, bangng… But then you realize, she gets so much play because she’s easy. Most are one nighters, with a schmattering of equally as ugly, or mentally problematic. Its not a big deal, but you probably need to listen to the actual sex and the after sex morning coffee chat where she proceeds to tell you about how everyone thinks she’s hot and want to get with her and how she doesn’t even want to do that, but dangles a dental dam in front of them. This type can be quite annoying if your single and not getting any.
and lastly the best kind …
– the Absentee – this is the most awesome kind of roomate. Usually if the girlfriend lives somewhere else, she’s there instead. Thus the absentee is rarely ever home, but still responsible enough to pay for household expenses. This means you get the place to yourself and help with rent and bills. Busy workaholics are also similar, they make tons of money with no time to use it.