TYPES OF ANNOYING (LESBIAN) ROOMATES

In New York roomates are inevitable, they are also known as people who eat your peanut butter. Most people have had one, or have needed one, or have to have killed one. College is a way of helping you cope with having roomates. Sadly most people don’t know how to be a good one because they’re too selfish or think they can get away with things. Lesbians move in together with the quickness just so they don’t need to have roomates. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had great roomates before. Thank god for separate entrances, I rarely had to ever see her. She did her thing, and I did mine. I paid the rent on time, and so did she. But I had to leave cus living in the hood just wasn’t my steez. But here’s a quick rundown of types of roomates you may encounter in the city.

– Friend , Buddy , BFF – If you’re lucky, you got this one. They buy you food, introduce you to beautiful people, and like the same movies you do. Buddy/BFF is clean but not to the point of making you feel bad that you aren’t. When a love interest comes to call, Buddy/BFF gives you your space and lets you work your mojo.When their parents come to town and take them to dinner, they insist on bringing you along. The Buddy usually also brings with them a spectacular entertainment system, a DVD library, a high performance gaming console, and a ridiculous amount of video games that he freely shares with all. The BFF brings with her an insanely stocked wardrobe with dozens of shoes and accessories that she insists you use.

– Drama Queen – There is always something going wrong in her life. A breakup with the girlfriend is like a mudslide, a fight is like a raging fire. You can hear her life story when she’s on the phone 2 rooms away. It goes something like… woe is me, woe is me. Huffs and Puffs to you with all her problems. You’re forced to sit there, while your trying to watch some funny ass movie to semi listen to her ranting. STFU get over it.

– The Hater – Probably, just a little worse off than you life, career and relationship wise. You are their hero, yet they hate you. They hate you because they have everything you have but better. Will put you down in a sly sort of way. Like you’ll bring up something awesome, but she’ll probably make it seem like less of an accomplishment, or dismiss it. If you’re in a relationship, she’ll try and make you single. If you’re single, she’ll probably cock block. You guys are very similar, but in the end, you’ll want to kill her.

– The Klepto – Your coffee has been disappearing faster than your free time. Shirts you just washed are found misplaced and with the unmistakable scent of body odor. Your food (peanut butter, chicken, jam, cranberry juice, mayo, ketchup, veggie burgers) vanishes from the pantry. Scratches appear inexplicably on your DVDs. You could have sworn you had $20 in your lucky jar; now there is only $13 and some odd coins. Caution: you’re rooming with the Klepto. The Klepto is congenial to your face, but, when they think you’re not looking, they are eyeballing your stuff with envy. You have a strong feeling that they are trying to get away with something. At their most frightening, Kleptos envy you and your stuff so much that they may actually try to steal your identity. Other, more benign tendencies include stealing your significant other, stealing your towel, and stealing your ideas. In some instances, Kleptos have been known to buy gifts for their victims out of guilt for pillaging their stuff.

_ the Slob – gross gross gross, piles of dishes in their room and the sink, under their bed, and what? half eaten pizza and sammiches? Who can live in such filth? They are generous but what they give don’t make up for attracting mice, bugs and pepperoni slices coming out their door. Clothing all around, clothing that isn’t even theirs.

– Depressive Goth Nerd Loser – so consumed with their self, that they just bury themselves in pc games, books and bad art. Pale and deathly looking from not going out. Malnourished from forgetting to eat because they are too busy playing solitaire. Great because they don’t bother you, and you can just laugh at them on Friday night when you’re going to go drinking and you hear a bad 90’s movie coming from beyond their door.

– Ghetto Never Pays Rent – the one who you know has money, but can’t manage it. never pays bills on time, never gets rent in on time. This is probably the worst with Klepto not far behind. Lets just say there’s not much more to say about this one, but get the fuck out.

– the Know it All – is an expert in everything and not afraid to tell you. Basically tries to control your whole life. Everything you do is wrong, but everything they do is right. Extremely annoying, unless you basically don’t have your life together, in which case can be extremely helpful. But nobody knows everything.

– the Fugly Sex Aholic Slut Whore – Usually is ugly as fuck and everyone can see it, even her in the mirror. But due to some sort of denile, gets mad play? And your subject to loud smacking, groaning, moaning, screaming, bangng… But then you realize, she gets so much play because she’s easy. Most are one nighters, with a schmattering of equally as ugly, or mentally problematic. Its not a big deal, but you probably need to listen to the actual sex and the after sex morning coffee chat where she proceeds to tell you about how everyone thinks she’s hot and want to get with her and how she doesn’t even want to do that, but dangles a dental dam in front of them. This type can be quite annoying if your single and not getting any.

and lastly the best kind …

– the Absentee – this is the most awesome kind of roomate. Usually if the girlfriend lives somewhere else, she’s there instead. Thus the absentee is rarely ever home, but still responsible enough to pay for household expenses. This means you get the place to yourself and help with rent and bills. Busy workaholics are also similar, they make tons of money with no time to use it.

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TEN THINGS THAT CAN GO WRONG WHEN YOU GRADUATE FROM STUYVESANT HIGH SCHOOL

*disclaimer* I actually went to Stuy lol , and this is why I can poke fun at it, before you go and tell me I’m stupid and thats why I didn’t goto Stuy. lol

The best public high school in New York City ( Stuyvesant High School) breeds a odd type of person. They’re nerds but they either hide it well or actually think that the rest of the world accepts them. Few have succeeded in surviving the ordeal without becoming a total loser. Those prodigies usually never refer to the school again, because they don’t need to. Sad to say, I am one of those losers where high school was probably the peak of their career and it all went down from there. Oh wells at least I’m getting some. chea ! All hail sex, that is the best way for losers to get back at nerds.

1. As a male or ugly female, you will most likely end up a virgin until after college. Sorry guys, you know your screwed, not literally. Stuy does not teach you how to be sexy, and face it unless you get someone really really wasted, which you probably won’t cus you’ll be studying, your not going to get laid. You might have to even borderline rape them. Good luck in Med School, or Law School, or Grad School, cus most people would have gotten laid by then, and you won’t be able to figure out how to stick a dick in shit. No you cannot take the CoSine of sex to give a girl an orgasm.

2. You will most likely refer to Stuy over and over, trying to insert into random conversations about how you went there. How you probably commuted 3 hours to get there, and how the place was 10 floors and how you More importantly refer to Stuyvesant as Stuy. Umm hellooooo, nobody calls Stuy, Stuy unless they went there. Then you get excited that out of towners actually know what school your talking about. They probably know about it because another douche bag at their job probably went there and cannot stop talking about it.

3. You will spend the rest of your life trying to find people who did go to Stuy. If you find someone who went to high school in NYC, your next question will be where did you go ??? Hoping that they went to stuy and you two can reminisce about 80 year old teachers and how great your experience was. You will ask if people went to college with other Stuy people and how they know these Stuy people and get yourself a little wet when they happen to throw out a Random asian name like David Lee, and think you knew him.

4. Your career peak would probably end at Stuy. Yes, you took 6 AP’s and scored a million on your SAT’s. Great, good for you, Hey man it only goes down from there. You had a full head of hair, no body fat, and played Magic the Gathering with your friends.

5. Or on the flipside, you could really skyrocket your career, become an investment banker. Act like a douchebag to anyone who isn’t in Finance or Banking. Ditch all your friends that don’t make 6 figures. Cheat on your girlfriends. Not get married til your 40. Rent an apartment in the city for a couple grand. Then when the market tanks, realize you’ve gone bald for nothing. Career of choice : already stated.

6. Or you can goto grad school for about a million years. Lucky ones already lock down another nerd to marry. Unlucky one’s will have to marry their secretary or get setup with another 30 year old loser. When you finally pay back your loans and make millions… Your living niiice. But then your not entertaining at all because the best years of your life you’ve spent as a bookmark. ( Professor, non profit lawyer, Psychiatrist)

7. You turn completely anti establishment, become a hippie then take all of your college years trying to be weird, goth, granola, lesbian, punk, hip hop… etc etc. End up on drugs and killing half your brain cells. Then your stuck with a permanent fluorescent patch of hair. Career of choice : Whole Foods clerk, Trash and Vaudeville clerk, Bum.

8. Your asian parents burn you out, and piss the shit outta you so you go and become Black. Yes fucker, African American. You vote Obama, listen to Three Six Mafia, eat chicken and waffles, and have cute little mixed babies living in Section 8. Career of choice : Government job, post office, Retail.

9. Oh wait, you listening to your asian parents now you make an upper middle class living, have cute little asian babies, a cute little asian wife ( who runs your life ) , and live in the suburban part of queens. But then you realized you turned into your parents, and you’re living their life for them. Career of choice : Accountant, Doctor, Lawyer, Computer guy.

10. You stay a nerd forever. Nope, can’t reinvent yourself in College, because everyone knows you from Stuy. Nope, everyone knows your a loser, a virgin and not funny. You lose. Looooser.

 

LESBIAN GUIDE ON PLANNING A DATE

Here is the start on how to Plan a Date.  Now that you have the girls number, I hope now that you have planned to call her.  No not text, that is informal and a pussy non engaging way out of putting yourself out there.  It is like hiding behind a book while talking to someone in person.  Put yourself out there, be bold and assertive.  It will show your potential date you are not afraid to take charge in the relationship.

The Phone Call : Before you call, go over what you are going to say.  To not trip over your words it is best to write a rough draft on things you want to say.  Just like for a phone interview for a job, do not recite rather use them as guidelines to remind you of your words.  A few things can now happen.  She can pick up.  Oh a flutter goes through you, you are nervous and don’t know what to say.  Now goto your cheat sheet.  Start off with “Hi this is whomever, remember me from where and what last night?”  Blah blah, I had a good time, was wondering if you’d like to go for … whatever such and such night.  Just go in for the kill, ask her on outing.  Now most likely she will say yes.  Naturally this should turn into some conversation.  Do not be alarmed if it doesn’t.  Everyone can be busy.  But its probably best to ask her some open ended questions to get that going.  Since you are planning a date, ask her what type of food she likes, or where/what she likes to do for fun.  This will give you ideas on where to bring her and what to do.  Most lesbians are dying for a date and if they even gave you their real number, chances are she wants you.  Even if you don’t know if you like them, always go in positive.  If you ask a girl on a date, act like you like her and treat her well.  Don’t over compensate or lie, just be yourself.  Now you can also get picked up by voicemail.  Just leave a quick message.  Key is quick.  State who you are , your intentions of taking her out and clearly state your number.  If she takes way too long to get back to you…8+ hours… she either had some extrenuating circumstances ( which she better have an explanation for/apology) or she was contemplating whether or not to call you, over thinking it etc etc.  That is probably a bad sign already, like either she’s hiding something, if she has no time to call back, what makes you think she has time to be a good girlfriend.  In this day and age, everyone is on their phone 24/7 especially if you gave your number out at the club.  There is no excuse to not calling back within one business day.  There are also better times to call.  If you don’t want to be engaged in conversation… probably should call during work hours.  Most people will not pick up.  Do not call in the morning, they maybe sleeping.  That will definitely annoy me to death.  Afternoons and Evenings before 9pm are the best.  Those times give them ample time to call back and have a chat in their leisure.

Picking a Location : Before you called the girl, you should have already had an idea of where you wanna go.  Because you need to tell her where and when yall would like to meet up.  However you can always call without a place, and say you will followup call with somewhere to meet and go.  This way you can have an excuse to call and chat and confirm the date closer to the time.  This will make the date a less awkward experience when yall do meet up.  Anyways, picking a spot comes with a few categories.

First Date Location : Since we already established that money should not be an issue… if you are broke, you shouldn’t be dating.  You should be finding more cheddar at this point.  So I’ll just assume you have decent amount of cheese.  Dinner, Drinks, Event?  What should we start with?  With someone I’m mildly not so interested in I usually go for drinks or hang out.  Dinner is usually reserved for those who I believe I need to impress with my foodie skills.  Always do something interactive in which conversation and getting to know each other can be achieved.  Drinks are great for this.  You both get loose and get to know each other… with the classics, what do you do, where do you live, who did you last fuck?  Dinner should be done at a place with great atmosphere and ok food.  We don’t wanna get stuffed, and we aren’t gonna eat that much since we should be staring at each other and talking.  Not super romantic, but trendy and cool enough.  Trend away from super ethnic and stinky weird foods like Indian or Ethiopian.  I don’t want to use my fingers get dirty or smell like curry.  You can also drink during dinner, however this will get pricey, a bottle of wine , 2 entrees, 1 appetizer, 1 dessert later, and we talking about a serious investment.  So I only reserve fancy dining for fine bitches.  Although casual dining is fine, we talking about BBQ’s , diners, and Thai spots run by Chinese folks. Events?  I’m not a fan of movies.  You can barely see the person, it’s darker lighting than the club.  You don’t really talk to each other, and if your date is talking to you during the movie, I’d fucking drop them right now.  I hate whispering in the movies, if I’m trying to listen to you, what makes you think I can hear the damn movie I paid 12 $ times 2 for??? Plus 20 $ worth of popcorn and soda.  I would do something you usually enjoy.  If you are the type with no life, than go to drink and dinner.  But I love Dave and Busters, Shooting Pool, Museums etc.  Although Museum should be a later date type thing.  Comedy show?  Jazz Club all valid ideas.

Second Date : Anything you didn’t do the first is game.  More intimate setting is recommended.  Since I hope you didn’t fuck the first date.  I live my life looking for real relationships not fucks.  I barely know a bitch the first date.  I may kiss, but no tongue action.  Also setting up the second date on the first date is a good way to not play stupid phone tag games.  You should already be feeling out whether or not a second date is probable.  If she is giddy and says yes I’d love to see you again, set a rough time and say you will call her.  Control is everything.  Don’t put the ball in her court.  You will make her squirm.  It’s puss to put the control in the femme.  She will be turned off that you don’t take the reigns and pull her hair.  What?  Yes ! The places you pick to impress bitches is important too.  You should have already a very cultural life, a repertoire of things you enjoy doing, places you know of fucking awesome to bring girls to.  This will show you are a fun, cultural and have a rich life.  Here are some more ideas, Karaoke, Romantic Strolls, Boat Cruises etc etc….

Third Date : Your so in by now.  Now it’s time to choose, you wan’t to be in with this bitch or not?  Is she worth your time?  Is she fuckable.  You need to Seal the Deal by the third date.  We are gay… we are not religious.  Seriously who still saves themselves.  Sex is an important part of a relationship.  You should’ve already talked about how you both are sexually.  Like what excites her.  Go ahead and invite her over for the third date.  This is why you need a nice pad.  Chic but with flavor.  This is the way a Femme makes a final decision of whether you are material enough.  She will note the location/neighborhood.  Note how big your tv is and how clean your bathroom is.  If you have psycho medication hide that shit.  Prepare a fucking CD.  After dinner or whatever you guys meet up for…. Ask her if she wants to come watch a movie, come up and chill, or whatever.  Just get her through the door and start racking up the Bases.  I’d say if you haven’t done it by the 4th date…. its a wrap… drop her number.  She is either fucking someone else, double timing, a virgin, bad at it, or isn’t even a lesbian at all.  I know as a lesbian it’s tough to drop emotional connections but lets face it… she’s wasting your money.

Date Payments : A lot of lesbians go dutch.  I don’t believe in it.  If you are a Boi, you wannabe a man.  So pay for everything.  A true Femme expects to be treated.  Although when I’m not too feeling the person at the end I go dutch if they offer. LOL Hey no point in paying for something that is gonnabe a bust.  Once you are in a locked in relationship we can now revisit the payment issue.  If the girl doesn’t occasionally reciprocate coming out of pocket or treating you, we have a problem.  Because in a capitalistic society money is love.  She’s greedy and stingy and expects one way love.  If she doesn’t treat you, she probably doesn’t do the same in bed.  Drop that shit.  Dead fish is out for a free meal

Pre Date Preparation : We are lesbians, so be casual but snazzy.  Dress in an outfit that is 7/10.  Don’t wanna show your femme up but make sure she knows that you have a nice presentation.  You cannot pull out your best outfit either, because you’ll have nothing to wear for the 2nd and 3rd.  The classic mistake is pulling out your best, the girl is blown away and then you slack the second date, and when the girl was super hot she is now like, wtf happened… ewww, its over.  Same way if you meet a chick and she’s slamming, dress, hair, nails…. and she goes too casual, takes off her make up the second date.

When to End the Dating : It depends on the frequency you see each other of course.  But as lesbians we are all bored and probably not dating 10 people at once like straight people.  If the other girl tells you she is dating someone else, drop that shit.  Greedy.  Only Bisexual and Straight girls date multiple people at once.  Lesbians don’t have options so if she does, this is a problem.  Tell her to call you back when she’s done dating the other one, and you don’t run multiple game.  If anything she will like you more cus you sound like a cocky badass but a better girlfriend pick.  I’d say after a few times you’ve had sex, I wouldn’t really call it dating anymore, since we’ve both fucked in our mutual homes and we are comfortable with our bodies.  However technically you are still dating until someone says I love you and confirms that you are now their exclusive girlfriend.  That is when dating ends, and we assume that we will see each other every weekend.  Anything less is not called a relationship.  Also do not date for too long.  If you are seeing signs that you are stuck in the Dating Phase.  Kill it.  If by 2 months of dating the wining, dining and impressing has not amounted to Girlfriend status, drop it.

LESBIAN COCK (DILDO) BLOCKER

I used to got the club more frequently when I was single and had many revolving door lesbian friends.

Revolving Door Friend = A lesbian friend who you don’t actually have a true friendship with. You only text or call them when you goto the club so you can roll with a crew. You do not do any other activities with them like a regular friend, such as shooting pool or going out to eat. These types of friends are only to accompany you to the club with.

Most of my revolving door lesbian friends would participate in activity called cock blocking., this why they have been revolved out. Strait dudes know what I’m talking about, the pointless art of fucking up your friends chaces of getting laid. Even when you’re in a relationship this is still possible, especially because getting laid isn’t always a given. Jealous friends love doing this for two main reasons, they either want to get down your pants or they wanna get with who you wanna get with. Outliers being that they haven’t gotten any in a long ass time and are mad you got some first.

1. Your friend is dancing all up on you in a flirty suggestive manner. Deterring other people from hitting on you and making others think your taken. This cockblocking before you even wet your whistle. Guaranteeing that you won’t be able to meet anyone for the rest of the night. They don’t care if they themselves don’t get any, but as long as you don’t.

2. Your friend acts stupid and obnoxious around you at the club. She’s mad loud for no reason. Gets drunk and gropes random people while falling all over the damn place. Possibly takes off her shoes on the dance floor but with socks still on then and/or, gets up on the stripper pole and starts to dance badly. Random onlookers ask is you know her and you mumble yes. You think it’s funny at first until she takes off her socks too. Then you must proceed to the exit and go have a pack of cigarettes, yes a whole pack.

3. Ok and there’s the subject of cheating. It wasn’t technically cheating because we broke up before I got to technically cheat. But was totally hitting it off with some girl , chatting at the bar after I bought her a drink. My revolving door friend comes up and goes, hey what’s going on here, what about, “insert girl (ex) girls name”. Lucky for me I already told the bitch I was involved, but she still wanted to date me LOL. So the cock block didn’t even work. So bottom line, cheat when cockblockers are not around or just have game so good it doesn’t even matter.

4. When you aren’t around they tell your significant other about bad shit you do. And or try to get into your girl’s pants. WTF, don’t cry to my chick, or explain your sad ass life. Keep you sappy shit to yourself. If your gonna come over and eat the food I pay for, don’t try to steal my wife too. Fuck off loser.

LATE ADOLESCENCE FOR LESBIANS AND GAYS

So I know you have all noticed this phenomenon. I’m not a fucking psychiatrist or any wannabe sort, I’m just a mere observer. But is it me or….’

Do we of Gay and Lesbian decent have a delayed adolescence period? You know it makes sense, we don’t reach puberty until we are about 21, or usually that’s when most of us come out. So depending on the person, we don’t fully come out until we have reached puberty. Sadly however, late adolescence means that we also display all other characteristics of developing late.

Firstly lets look at relationships. Obviously since we hide our orientation early on, when everyone else when they are 12/13 are liking boys and boybands, we have to mask all that, until we are ready to come out. We don’t admit to ourselves our true sexuality until the age that most people have serious significant relationships in their twenties. There are valid reasons for this however because of this, we lose out on formative years of casual dating and chances to develop short term relationships. As LGBT teens we cannot afford to come out most times, due to the risk of losing family, shelter and our lives. As our security of home, food and schooling still come from parents, there is a significant risk to coming out. Most of us are not finacially independent until our mid twenties.

In losing out in casual dating opportunities in our high school years, this leads us to pursue this lifestyle of boozing, clubbing and wilding out in our college and during the start of our careers. Not only do we go into the dating scene late, but we go into during a tumultuous time in our lives where we are financially unstable, but on the other hand getting old and have to take on multiple responsibilities before we are romantically satisfied at all. This is a delicate juggling feat even for straight people. We suddenly have a simliar dilemma to what older unmarried 30+ women have. Where they seek to make a family yet they have laid no groundwork, or have no boyfriend. Then it seems like they are in a frantic search for a mate, yet they do not even know what they are attracted to.

This happens a lot in lesbians. We don’t date much, and then we proceed to fall quickly into long term relationships. Leaving us without a lot of experience in the sexual or relationship arena. On top of that, our little uhaul syndrome also sets us back a lot financially. We put a lot of money and time into our relationships when we should actually be focussing those efforts into building our careers.

Without the experience we are then in turn fearful and desperate. At a later age when you don’t really have time to experiment anymore, but to quickly experiment you must be adept and collect experiences fast. Most lesbians find that serial dating will help. That is to collect many dates in a short amount of time with people who are most likely not as hot, or dumbing, or just a plain lesbian mess. Oh lets not forget, lots of casual sex. Like going to the club and fucking someone same night and not calling them back. Yes many fall into relationships thru one night stands also, but regardless, awesome way to gain experience in a short amount of time. Much of this behavior is to develop the self confidence of lesbians. Late adolecence means that lesbians have developed good macking behaviour and they are starting to learn these habits in their twenties. Please see this article on how to hit on people at the club.

Financially and Careerwise this cuts into our careers. We are too busy in the crucial years looking for mates or trying to date or trying to marry up with people who are probably not right for us, and only in love with being in love with our first loves to actually put enough time into figuring out what we want in our lives. We will put off college, or go into the army, or take half assed jobs and not access whether these careers will ultimately make enough money to sustain a family. Many times we choose majors and careers that are in the arts, or psychology and creative. Why? Well Psychology is simple, we became so crazy in surpressing our sexuality that we take keen interest in psychology. Trying forever to figure out why we did certain things and why we are gay. Sadly you need a Masters in Psych to even make decent money, and PHD to actually be a doctor. Most of us don’t have the time or money to make it that far. Get over it, your gay now find a real job. In more artistic careers, once again our tormented souls are so weathered that all we want is to express ourselves. Once again these such careers are very limited and most of the time have to do with who you know not what. Following your dreams is one thing, but too bad most people think they are better than they are.

This leads to bad career choices and educational ones when they matter the most. Going to college for the wrong reason, not knowing what to major in. Majoring in liberal arts and going to liberal arts colleges only because lesbians all go there. Staying too long at jobs because its comfortable there and lots of lesbians work there. Thinking we are worth less than we really are. We set ourselves about 10 years behind due to our late adolescence. And actually end up with no career, and working shitty jobs, telling ourselves we don’t want to be tied down in an office. Hello? An office is where most well paying jobs are. Unless you want to be a rockstar. Be more realistic. Do you want to be a tatted up rockstar when you’re 40?

This kind of explains why we label all lesbians as generally CRAZY. Its not that we are crazy, but just that we are extremely late in developing. I think this is an important factor that we must be aware of when we fall quickly into relationships or become serial daters or promiscuous whores. All our senses are telling us something different, we aren’t yet comfortable with ourselves and looking for someone to tell us what is right. Why else do young lesbians look like 12 year old boys? Why else do femmes look like unkempt tomboys? Hopefully we start realizing ourselves earlier and GROW UP !

FUCK THIS NOT THAT : LITTLE LESBIAN GUIDE ON WHO TO FUCK

Following in the footsteps of the famed Eat This Not That books that are always getting press on the Rachel Ray show… I am putting together a Little Lesbian Guide : Fuck This Not That . Basically outlining the types of bitches you should fuck, and the types of bitches you should stay away from. Keep in mind a Fuck is different than a relationship. We are talking about a wham bam thank you ma’am. Sexual Disclaimer : Fucks are not for everyone… especially not those who have tender egos and self confidence issues and/or those who require relationships. Not for the faint of heart. May result in loss of appetite, restless nights and broken hearts.

Fuck This Not That : Little Lesbian Guide on who to Fuck

 

  1. Young Confused Lesbian or Rowdy Horny Young Lesbian ? Definitely fuck the rowdy horny young lesbian. She will be attached at first like any young lesbian but will quickly forget about you in her childish conquest for adding to her list of lesbian lovers. The Confused Lesbian will probably be stuck on you for awhile, slighty e-stalkerish and may not get the hint for awhile. She will feel like you were her lesbian caped crusader to save her from her banal existence, but when you disappear with the quickness she will feel slighted and even more confused. Don’t let their suicidal woe is me attempts suck you back in, stay away in the first place. Fuck the Rowdy Young Lesbian it will be passionate and satisfying and you can give each other cordial “Yea we fucked and it was good but we both moved on” nods at the club when you run into each other.
  2. Lonely Lesbian Cougar vs Bisexual Married Cougar ? Tough question since I would rather not fuck any cougars, but if I had to it would be a Bisexual Married Cougar. They are horny and have all this pent up sexuality that their even older rich husbands are not releasing. Their husbands usually are aware that they are fucking on the side anyways because they themselves have multiple affairs. Oh what money can buy. Bi Married Cougars will take you out and treat you like any cougar, but there is the lack of attachment, they have a life and are only using you for sex. Stay away from Lonely Lesbian Cougars, they are possibly the most needy and desperately seeking for relationships. They will suck you in with all forms of sustenance; from an allowance, clothes, housing to a car service. You are one owned bitch by the time you realize your with grandma and all your friends are scoffing at your patheticness and what exactly turns you on.
  3. Fresh out of a Longterm relationship or Single for Awhiles Lesbian ? Definitely fuck the one out of a LTR. Most girls out of a LTR just want to wild out, especially if their LTR was stifling emotionally, professionally and sexually. Actually isn’t that the definition of a LTR? That said, they are willing to try anything sexually at least once and usually aren’t looking for any attachment. I would avoid anyone who has been single for awhile. If they are the rico suave Don Juan type, that is fine, because they are looking for a fuck too. However most who have been single awhile with no sex, probably aren’t so good in bed anyways. How do you get to Kinsey’s Playland? Practice, Practice and lots of Lube.
  4. Butch or a Boi ? Butches subscribe to an old school way of thinking that involves chivalry and leather vests. Fuck they Boi, they have a carefree sexual lifestyle and their lightly treading fairy feet will flutter from sexual partner to sexual partner pollinating all the flowers. The Stone Butch might tie you to her bed and use you a sexual footstool.
  5. White Collar or Retail/Food Service employee? This is a toss up for me, both have it’s drawbacks and perks. Wouldn’t everyone love to have a romp in the Mc D’s stock room and smell like grease afterwards? However I’d go with the white collar employee. For the mere fact that finding a place to fuck should be easy, and not having that awkward umm where should we go, bushes, car or your momma’s house when she is on vacay? White Collars if you can’t fuck in their house, they can at least spring for a hotel room. Now WC maybe more attachment material, but you can always threaten to out them and for the fear of their careers they will probably then stay away from you.
  6. More or Less sexual partners than you? Oh wow no brainer here. More is better here. Like we mentioned, a deep black book and sexual checklist roster is in your favor. Just make sure you are protected and they are disease free. The pony that has more tricks however maybe using that to mask other underlying emotional and confidence issues. However since this isn’t a relationship, you won’t have to deal with any of that, fuck em and keep on moving.
  7. Fat Bitch or Anorexic ho? Fuck the fat bitch !!! I may be partial on this one, however anorexic bitches tend to ugly, and being thin is the only way that they look pretty. They also hold back and fucking one of them is like fucking a white girl every time. not fun. Now fucking a Fat Bitch is amazing. They want it so bad too, cus obviously they never get any. They enjoy it more, and get off more, they fuck cus they love it and for them its better than food. Anorexic bitches are low energy. Both fuck to be wanted and make themselves feel pretty. But the fat bitch will bounce, debate over.

FEMME’S GUIDE ON ATTRACTING A BOI AT A CLUB

Ok so femmes, lets get over the fact that everyone pretends that they don’t like labels. They love it, thats why we have them. If your a femme, thats just means your more feminine than what you are attracted to, it can be with demeanor, personality or looks. Whatever you are be proud of it, and do it fierce.

STEP ONE – don’t be lazy

Do not, I repeat, do not be a lazy femme. Please if your going to be femme, be finely combed. Wear a dress from time to time, you know special occasions. Put on some heels, I know they hurt, but good boi’s will open doors and hail cabs for you.

STEP TWO – dressing up

Good Pair of Jeans

Don’t put on jeans from Old Navy, thats for the park, if your going to wear jeans out, wear some good quality and wash designer denim that flatter your figure. Nobody cares or knows how much you paid, but don’t look like you paid 15 for jeans that don’t fit right. Dunno what is flattering? Can’t ever go wrong with slim fitting denim. Even if your fat and you cop fat ass jeans, you just look boxy. Express for midsize skinny girls are a good deal and fit. Lucky Jeans are great if you have a big ass. Otherwise goto the department store for the premium denim section to find your best fitting high quality denim jean.

Dresses and Skirts and Heels

Skirts are young and flirty, but hun if you 25 or older, please try and wear dresses. Sophistication, Chic and Sexy. Boi’s love fucking femmes man… Unless they’re kinda like gay bois, or boi on boi crime types, or just so fat and ugly they don’t have enough confidence to hook a femme. Or if they’re in college they dunno what the fuck they doing, so they do each other and think they all gotta look like tegan, ani, or goth. The right pair of shoes also have to go with the dress, don’t fucking wear clunky, beat-up or cheap heels. Stilettos and pumps and retro chic you hoes… Do it ! Learn how to walk, work it work it work it !!! Oh and put a little makeup on, not a pound, but some tinted lips and nice eyes will get boi’s wet.

Attitude !!!

Ok bitches, don’t be rude. This is the 20th century, but don’t mistake Boi’s for the Guys who have done you wrong. Whether you are ghetto or not, if a boi want’s to pay, let them pay for you. Don’t fucking act weird. Pretty straight cute girls are used to getting paid for. Only a ghetto ugly hoe doesn’t get treated, so don’t act weird, expect to get paid for please. Do not flirt like a 12 year old boy. Say thank you, and your cute. Don’t fucking punch me in the arm, or man handle me. Bat your damn eyelashes, and if you can’t grow none, fucking glue them in. Flirt with style. Don’t play hard to get or act like you got 10 bitches on the side. When a femme does that, its not being pimp, it’s being a whore. Actually same goes with boi’s, your not a pimp your a hoe. Get it straight.

STEP THREE – Feminine Care

Hair and Nails did

Please take care of your feminine care. Get trim up and down. Put a weave in, grow your hair out. Granola’s, please do not donate to locks of love, bitches need to buy horse hair. Nails are sacred, I don’t know why lesbians always are like omg look long nails thats not a lez. You dumb asses, if you were any good at sex, you’d know that you can have long nails and still not stab your partner from the insides. Its a skill but some are good at it. Get a manicure, or acrylics or whatever you need to get, keep those nails clean too. God knows where they’ve been. Long nails are sexy, tickle the boi on the neck and back with them. They like that you have what they don’t.

Art of Perfume

Pick a nice subtle flavor one. Fruity and Flowery is good. Don’t get a powdery Grandma one. Do try and use those body splash things from the drugstore. They smell cheap, yes a rich boy can tell. Don’t overspray like a damn Spanish Woman. Just because you doused yourself, doesn’t mean I can’t smell your Adobo ass. Proper way is to dab behind ears and on wrists and neck. Then spray into air and walk into it.

STEP THREE

The art of Attraction.

Look available. If you spend every waking second at the club huddled with your friends, the boi cannot get through your friend fence. Go to the bathroom evey now and then, grab a drink at the bar, look like your scanning the room too. When dancing, slightly dance off by yourself, make yourself available. Aint nobody can ask you to dance if your not dancing already, get on the floor and even if you can’t shake it, pretend that you move. lol Enjoy yourself, boi’s don’t like sourpuss divas. Get rid of your cock block boi friends, and hang out with some chill bitches, who are not after the same kind of boi, and who aren’t trying to wife you either. Aint nothing worse than your own friends being your enemies at the club.

CAN YOU SURVIVE NEW YORK?

Over the years I’ve seen many come and go. To be honest… it has been more go than come. Throughout history what the rest of America and the World terms a New Yorker has always been quirky and special. A city brimming with culture one has to be novel and ahead of the game to survive. It really is a survivors story. They call us fast paced, pushy and down right rude. We scarf down street meat and bagels in record time with gulps of black coffee. We shove people out of subways, scoff at slow moving tourists. We speak a very little bit of at least 3 languages. Cabbies talk on phones as we talk on our own and we all end up in accidents in neighborhoods we didn’t intend to visit. We venture into industrial junkyards, hipster hole in the ground parties and then five star restaurants all in the same day. Theres a lot of things, and really only a feeling can sum up the experience of New York.

The city has a special place in my heart. As much as the weather in Cali is amazing, the farmer markets delicious and the laid back atmosphere calming, I always start to miss the city. Weekend car trips always culminate with coming through the lincoln tunnel straight into the heart of Times Square and you get nostalgic. The hustle and bustle is warming, the neon lights engulf and welcome you from your trip on interstates and thruways. A big New York hug, the city missed you !

As a Native new Yorker, I’ll be honest I don’t respect people from other cities as much. They have less pain to go through. Lower rents, bigger open spaces, tons of greenery and healthier lifestyles. But there are definite tiers to foreign NY visitors.

New Yorker for Life – Born and Bred and will NEVER leave. I’m talking about the five boro’s and if you are in suburbs, you still visit the city once a week at least. This person breathes NY, has visited most of everything and can show you the whole fucking city with a metrocard and a 10 dollar bill. They walk around with a chip on their shoulder and scowl. Maybe half a Mona Lisa smile on a good day. We scoff at homeless and ignore random solicitations. Everything is a scam and my money belongs in my own pocket. We can only stay away from the chewing gum stained streets for 2 weeks at a time. Any more time away will require a NYC care package.

Transplant New Yorkers for Life – I hold a high regard for these, as if you have no roots here it is very hard to setup shop. Takes hutzpah to get here, and takes even more blood sweat and tears to stay. These people to me are more New Yorker than Native new Yorkers. These are the Madonnas, they come from middle of nowheres to find the bright lights, and once they find it they can’t ever leave, and will do anything to stay. Even if they are homeless and broke they can never imagine life elsewhere. Ride or Die. They are the New Yorkers that make New York. All heart.

Transplant for more than 5 – 10 years- They been here, they’ve tried, but they eventually leave. Came here in their twenties but just didn’t find what they were looking for in the big city. 10 years of hard work and still in debt. They move away and start families in the boonies or another state. They just weren’t here for the right reasons. Wasn’t hungry enough, didn’t try hard enough, probably came for school found a job and then realized they don’t want to raise a family here.

Transplant for less than 5 – Came with half assed intentions of curiousity of the promised land. The promised land is a let down. These belong to where they came from. Just didn’t try hard or smart enough. Tried their best, but their best isn’t good enough. New York won’t let you pass with a C+. They go back to their safety net and tell everyone in their town their delusions of grandeur that was New York. 6 floor walk ups turn into 5th avenue penthouses. Dinner at Kennedy Fried Chicken turns into tasting menus at WD-50. Who are we kidding you should’ve left at the 6 month mark. They come to visit at least once every 2-3 years, and tour their friends around acting like the talk of the town.

Deserters – They are natives but left, usually post college and stay away. Born with the priveledge of native status but squandered it. More happy in suburban and banal existence they leave and think New York is too loud too dirty and too insane to raise children in. While some may see their birth status as a dream, they’d rather spend it wallowing in mediocrity at a Gap in a strip mall. The worst because although given the world on a platter, deserts it.

All in all, the city is a tough place. It’s hard to make friends, or rather lasting friendships. It’s hard to find relationships. You have to want to be here bad enough. You have to be hard working and already know who you are. You can’t come here for someone or something else. You come here because if you’re not living in New York you’d rather die. You make sacrifices, you take chances. The city will eat you alive otherwise. But if your all heart, then you have a place here.

BIASED AMERICAN PRESS TOWARDS CHINESE BUSINESS

I’m not a particularly political person nor do I care to be usually. However when reading articles, usually NYT on my phone, I get pretty peeved. Specifically relating towards American Business vs Chinese Business buyouts of companies. So we’re supposed to have free trade, and more importantly freedom of the press, but tell me why all articles and opinions on American vs Chinese business practices are all skewed in favor of American Business? Of course this is nothing new to left wingers but when a publisher is being hypocritical within a year it’s pretty pathetic. I also think publications that take into account advertiser’s interests are retarded too. Why don’t you let them write all your articles for you then, you obviously have very little original content, just publish all press releases, you can save some money and bullshit writers.

But here is a specific instance where I think the New York Times and other news outlets that skew towards American Business are retarded. Last few years several large Chinese companies tried to buy out some failing American companies, Haier tried to buy Maytag and a state owned entity tried to buy Chevron, however both attempts were blocked. Haier’s bids were actually higher than other offers and that buyout was still rejected. See article from Forbes. Now just yesterday I read an article where China was criticized on denying a buyout of a domestic juice company by Coca Cola. See article. The tone of writing however is very anti foreign, and did we not forget that America repeatedly denies similar bids? It’s as if a major travesty happened and the Chinese are being commies once again. Give me a break they are just looking out for their best interest the same way Congress does with tariffs and quotas. Bullshit, and can the press stop making asians look like Fu Man Chu all the damn time.

Don’t get me wrong, I love America and I am an American citizen. But I don’t enjoy it when the press skew stories to make American Business look like saints and all other foreign business is evil and trying to take over American companies, when the ones most guilty are ourselves. Especially in light of the current economic situation which seems to be a direct result of lots of American business culture, ethic and practice, I see many things that can be gained from learning business practices from different cultures.

A LESBIAN EX , THE REASONS, THE DANGERS.

If your’re a lesbian, this should be no suprise that girls is always hung up on their exes. It could be like 10 years later, and bitches still start up the convo with, my ex and I did this and that.

First of all lets get into, if people can even be friends with their exes? Personally I don’t think it can happen. Even if the relationship is over and dead. People pretend to be friends to save face, or to appear like they are good people, but usually someone is burned, and it never becomes a true long term friend. Both eventually find others and can’t hang out with each other. Who besides mad surpressed or whipped bitches actually are cool with hanging out with their girl’s exes. Even if you were friends before? Well maybe, but you both are stupid to think that if you slept with each other nothing with change. Let’s face it, horny fucks, and you weren’t that good a friends to begin with anyways, because if it ended in the sack, then you had those thoughts to start.

Lesbian’s need to be friends with their exes, or at least cordial. The scene is too small, friends of friends are always friends, or at the least, acquaintances. Word will get around if your not nice, and good luck getting another chick. Actually most lesbians like to cause mad drama, and use temporary girls to make their exes jealous, be careful of being the rebound, or even inbetween chick. Usually you are just a means to get back with their exes. Chicks love to bullshit. If they got dumped like a few weeks before, then you are probably their rebound. Do not get too attached they will most likely get back together with their ex in a few months. But no doubt, that relationship wont last either, so if you really like them, keep your hopes up.

But there’s a difference between acquaintances and friends that are too close. Signs you should look for are :

Why are they hanging out alone?

Why are they hanging out with them all the time?

Why do they call and text them while you aren’t there?

For many Girls, their exes were their best friend, especially if it was a very long relationship. Thats actually quite toxic and if they were in that situation, you probably shouldn’t fuck with that shit anyways, cus the girl was probably traumatized from being so smothered and controlled, that they will probably wild out now. That is gay anyways to have your girl be your best friend.

Some bitches are just trifling though. The more you have to say to defend the relationship, the more you have to worry about it. If you can’t tell that your girl is being shady it’s probably your own fault. What I have learned is that your hunch, your gut feeling is probably the right one due to subconscious cues. Unless of course you’re super jealous, which usually drives your partner to cheat anyways. So it basically is a self fulfilling prophecy.

The best way to deal with this situation is probably to just speak with your girlfriend about it. If she’s for realz, she’ll probably reassure, and/or respect your issues with the situation. If she doesn’t respect you, then she probably doesn’t value your relationship that much. If some ex is more important than actually getting some that night. drop that shit.

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